A Movie Review

So, I think I may have just seen the best worst movie ever.

I'm about to ruin the movie Teeth, so if you have a desire to see it, don't read this shit. Kthxbai!

Ok so. There's this virgin chick. All about the virginity. Gives speeches to other kids about how awesome virginity is, won't even be alone with a boy out of fear he might look at her the wrong way and steal her virginity. So she meets this guy at one of her virgin rallies. The next day goes on a group date to see a g-movie. Later that night she almost twiddled herself. But then she freaked out because that's against the virgin rules apparently.

So the next day, she calls and dumps the guy. But then she freaks out over something and decides to call him and ask him to meet her at the sex cave in the woods. They make out for a bit, then she changes her mind. He jams it in anyway, screaming "It's ok, you'll still be pure in the eyes of the lord!" and "I haven't even masturbated since Easter."

So then, the best part.

Really.

Seriously.

Her vagina bites off his dick! Then spits it out! I expected this. I knew what I was getting into with this movie. But seriously. I almost died laughing.

So she goes home on her bike. Freaks out for a couple of days, and tries to google that shit. Then she goes to the gynecologist. Only, he's a pervy gyno who takes off his glove and fists her. Said he needed to check her flexibility. So the vagina bit off four of his fingers. She ran out while he was screaming about her vagina.

So anyway. She read on the googles, that a hero needed to conquer her vagina. So after a return to the cave with a hilarious thing I won't ruin, she goes and bangs a guy from school she thinks likes her. He gets her off and he gets to keep his cock, until the second round when he answer's his cell talking about how he won the bet and banged the big virgin, then her vagina got mad and he lost his wiener.

So then she goes on a penis eating mission and the movie ends with her giving a big toothy grin to a creepy old man.

So the movie was horrible, I expected that going in. But seriously there were so many metaphorical vaginas and cheesy ass jokes. It was like the director KNEW it was a shitty plot and thought he might as well have some fun with that. The acting was terrible.

I got many good laughs from this movie, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a serious horror film.

So I guess if you want to watch an unintentional comedy with bad acting, and lots of sex that ends very very badly, then you should go watch Teeth. Though, I don't recommend spending any money whatsoever to make that happen.

Thanks for reading!

~Kel

Holding On

I spend a majority of my time reading. Books, e-mails, forums, and chatting. I read a lot. I recently finished a book by Patricia Cornwell. The title is Trace. Patricia Cornwell books were what began my interest in all things forensic, and she was one of my favorite authors. I began reading her books in High School, where I was socially retarded at best.

Since around the year 1999 or 2000, the quality of her books has steadily declined. Characters that were dead, somehow come back to life, Characters that were nice and quirky became surly and rude. Peripheral characters disappear without explanation. It all has steadily declined into a series of books that I am not sure I want to read any longer.

As with most things in my life, I hold on. I don't want to stop reading or let go, because what was once wonderful, might become wonderful again. Most times, it doesn't end up that way, but I am destined to hold on until it is much too terrible to stand, that is the type of person I am.


(the 2010 commentary)

This was written in 2005, and honestly though I continue to read her books, I am still disappointed by them. I can't bring myself to read the books that aren't in the Scarpetta series, and I only read that one to follow the characters I've been attached to for so long.