Winter Rants

It seems like this time of year I am always posting about my lack of Christmas spirit.

This year, I am more than ready. I am not panicking (too much) over the gifts I do or don't have, and I am really happy with where I am right now. I have a wonderful job with some great people, and I spend a lot of my time at work laughing.

But I wouldn't be Kelli if I didn't find something to bitch about so here are some things I'd like to bitch about in letter form.

Dear Emma,

I know you think it's tons of fun to get out of your bed over and over and over again, but please could you just accept the concept of the toddler bed and stay in it at night?

Love,

Kelli and your daddy.


Dear Eric, Josh, and Braydon,

Yes. Farting can occasionally be funny. So can poop. But omg learn the concept of running a joke into the ground already! When you yell "Poop" or "Fart" at the top of your lungs at 6 o'clock in the fucking morning, YOU are the only one who is gonna see the humor in that. I promise.

Love,

The people who have considered killing to sleep until 8 on the weekends


Dear Winter,

Fuck it's cold. Seriously. Where is my global warming?!

Sincerely,

Someone who won't care if you go away after a white christmas


Dear Stress,

Please stop causing zits. I'm starting to look like a 13 year old over here.

Love,
Zitty Kel


Dear Penguin Stabber,

You are a fucker. I hope you fucking die. I was so excited about getting that inflatable lawn penguin. I was dancing around in the store, and I hugged him as soon as he was inflated. But you are an asshole who can't possibly understand what it's like to get something you've wanted for a long time, only to have some douche come along and stab it.

THREE FUCKING TIMES!

I hate you. If you hate the holidays so damn much then go throw yourself off a bridge or something.

Fuck off,
The person who will kill you if she catches you


Dear Kitties,

Perhaps we could come up with an alternate code for "change the litter box please". I would prefer that you bite my hand repeatedly rather than shitting on the bathroom floor.

Thanks!
The woman who feeds you, and you should remember that


That's all I really have today! Thanks so much for reading.

Happy Holidays, whatever you do or don't celebrate!

Kelli

(2010 Commentary)
Emma still gets out of bed at night, the boys still get up at 6 am and yell things in the hallway and the cats still shit on the floor. So little changes. *sigh*

Cooking With Kelli

I tried something new for Thanksgiving this year. See, I like bacon. No I LOVE bacon. Sometimes in my head I'm like that dog from that commercial. "Iiiiit's BACON! Bacon bacon bacon!"

So when Alex showed me this idea online for turkey, I had a foodgasm, then I knew it would be done.

Bacon wrapped turkey!

See, you start with some bacon.



Then you get yourself a big ass turkey.



Then you wrestle that bird, force it into submission, and make it your bitch. Your bacony bitch. You'll know you've won when it looks like this:




I also stuffed onions, garlic, and butter into it's crevices, then I baked it in one of those oven bags.

This is what it looked like before we ate it:




I'm completly serious when I say that that was the best turkey I have ever had. Oh yes. I have tons more in the fridge and I'm lusting after it right now.

Next time you are making a turkey, then you NEED to try this.


(2010 Commentary)

I had it again this year, and I still have the opinion that this turkey puts all others to shame!

I love my job! (Not Sarcastic at all!)

There are several things I have learned in the last few months as a preschool teacher, so I'm sharing them with you, in blog form.

1. Some parents will do anything to not have to deal with their kids for a few hours.


In the germ factory where I work, children get sent home sometimes. Fevers, diarrhea, and vomiting are typical reasons they leave. The rule is the child has to be well for 24 hours before they return. You wouldn't believe how often I'll send a child home at say 10:23am, only to have the child reappear the next day at 10:24am miraculously cured of all ills. (Of course they usually get sent home again when the Tylenol wears off)


2. A majority of my job is repeating the same things over and over.


Typical five minute period in Kelli's day (all names are fake, no real children are mentioned here cause I like my job thankyouverymuch)


"Time to clean up, class! David, put the markers away, it's clean up time! Stacy, put the blocks away! Jake turn off the computer and help pick up toys. David! I said put the markers up please. Stacy! We don't throw blocks at our friends! Jake! Computer off please! David, you need to stop coloring and clean up! Jake you need to stop playing the computer game! Stacy why did you just dump all the blocks out?!" This continues until I walk over and stop each child, and redirect them to the cleaning. Though this example contains three children rather than the 15-20 I deal with daily.



3. Sometimes children will intentionally blow or rub their snotty noses on you when they are mad at you.

This is the least fun part of my job.



4. You may think this doesn't need to be said, but omg does it ever. When sweet innocent Lisa walks up and says "Smell my hands Miss Kelli" DO NOT DO IT!


This doesn't really need clarification does it?



5. 3 and 4 year olds cannot stay in a straight line no matter how hard you try.


They are so easily distracted, it's not even funny.



6. My children are awesome.


Seriously, they are.

7. Kids DO say funny things!



One day while talking to a student, he described tripping and falling. To give him sympathy, I shared that I fall down a lot. His response? "Is that because you never learned to walk the right way?" I had to laugh and agree with him. Of course I can't remember half the things they say that make me laugh daily, but trust me they are great.

Even the nose blower. LOL


8. Kids eat strange crap.


Ranch dressing in chili. Ketchup on bread. Ketchup in applesauce. Bread dipped in milk. Turkey mixed with strawberries. Drop all your cookies in your milk, leave for 10 minutes then drink the slime. Salad with ranch and french dressing. Chicken sandwiches with BBQ, ketchup, mustard, and ranch.


9. I love my job.

It's not the job you think it is. It's not playing with toys and coloring all day. Mostly my job consists of trying to keep structure in chaos, while trying to help them learn. It's not a job you do to pay the bills. It's a job if you love children. Which I do.



That's all I have to say for now. I hope you all have a great day.


Thanks for reading!

Kel


(2010 Commentary)

I truly did love this job. It's been very hard for me to adjust to not having this job. It's still hard.

I love Hannah!

So I crawled into bed with Hannah, who is four and a half. She likes to ask lots and lots of silly questions until we both end up giggling. This night the following conversation took place.

Hannah: Mommy who made me?
Me: Mommy and Daddy did.
Hannah: Who made Josh?
Me: Mommy and daddy.

This continues for a few minutes about everyone she knows, some of them twice.

Hannah: Mommy? How did you make me?
Me: (panic) Ummm... with love! (Here I crossed my fingers and hoped that was good enough for her)
Hannah: What did you make me with?
Me: What do you mean?
Hannah: What stuff did you make me with? How did you make me? Did you sew me?
Me: (giggling) No I didn't sew you!

I ended up giving her a basic explanation of how sometimes when mommies and daddies love each other a lot a daddy can plant a seed and a baby grows.

Tonight she was questioning me on why I had three babies when some of my friends just had one.

I wasn't sure how to explain that one. I told her that I was got very lucky and grew three babies instead of one.

A Movie Review

So, I think I may have just seen the best worst movie ever.

I'm about to ruin the movie Teeth, so if you have a desire to see it, don't read this shit. Kthxbai!

Ok so. There's this virgin chick. All about the virginity. Gives speeches to other kids about how awesome virginity is, won't even be alone with a boy out of fear he might look at her the wrong way and steal her virginity. So she meets this guy at one of her virgin rallies. The next day goes on a group date to see a g-movie. Later that night she almost twiddled herself. But then she freaked out because that's against the virgin rules apparently.

So the next day, she calls and dumps the guy. But then she freaks out over something and decides to call him and ask him to meet her at the sex cave in the woods. They make out for a bit, then she changes her mind. He jams it in anyway, screaming "It's ok, you'll still be pure in the eyes of the lord!" and "I haven't even masturbated since Easter."

So then, the best part.

Really.

Seriously.

Her vagina bites off his dick! Then spits it out! I expected this. I knew what I was getting into with this movie. But seriously. I almost died laughing.

So she goes home on her bike. Freaks out for a couple of days, and tries to google that shit. Then she goes to the gynecologist. Only, he's a pervy gyno who takes off his glove and fists her. Said he needed to check her flexibility. So the vagina bit off four of his fingers. She ran out while he was screaming about her vagina.

So anyway. She read on the googles, that a hero needed to conquer her vagina. So after a return to the cave with a hilarious thing I won't ruin, she goes and bangs a guy from school she thinks likes her. He gets her off and he gets to keep his cock, until the second round when he answer's his cell talking about how he won the bet and banged the big virgin, then her vagina got mad and he lost his wiener.

So then she goes on a penis eating mission and the movie ends with her giving a big toothy grin to a creepy old man.

So the movie was horrible, I expected that going in. But seriously there were so many metaphorical vaginas and cheesy ass jokes. It was like the director KNEW it was a shitty plot and thought he might as well have some fun with that. The acting was terrible.

I got many good laughs from this movie, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a serious horror film.

So I guess if you want to watch an unintentional comedy with bad acting, and lots of sex that ends very very badly, then you should go watch Teeth. Though, I don't recommend spending any money whatsoever to make that happen.

Thanks for reading!

~Kel

Hell Week

So this has been a week from hell. Just a bad bad week. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did, and spectacularly. I won't bore you to death by listing all the things that went wrong for me. No one likes to read a blog that's just bitching right? So, let me think of the good that happened this week and go from there.

I finally got the job I wanted. I started at Head Start as a Paid Aide on a temporary basis for a teacher's aide that was on leave. Then, when the other teacher's aide went on leave, they hired me as a temporary employee. I think this was because I was the only paid aide that showed up consistently. The only other reliable paid aide at the time was this great older woman who unfortunately couldn't work more than 2 or 3 days a week.

So last week sometime, the main office decided that one of the teacher's aides that were on leave wouldn't be coming back, so they hired me full time as of Monday. This is great news, because I am always so nervous when I don't have health insurance which I'll have December 1^st.

I watched The Happening last night. I thought it was kinda lame. If you haven't watched it, and plan to, skip to the next paragraph. But I thought it was a whole lot of lame shit to sit through only to find out that plants are getting even with the people for not taking care of the planet. Personally, I think if you are going to make a movie about murderous plants, it should be over the top and cheese to let your audience know how stupid you know the idea is. I refer you to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and Little Shop of Horrors.

Right this moment as I type there are two little boys brushing my hair. I love moments like this. I have some of the sweetest children.

Last night was the first time Alex's kids got to stay with us, and it was so much fun. Adding two kids to the bedtime routine wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but yesterday was an unusual day, so we can't really count that as the standard. They might have been exhausted from Trick or Treating, or the 6 hour car trip they had that day. Tomorrow night we will know for sure, because they get to stay again.

I don't think I have much else to say. I hope that you didn't have a week from hell too.

Thanks for reading!

~Kel

Frozen Stalkery

I have a stalker, it seems.

It all began a few weeks ago. It was directly after payday, I was at home, with Alex, and all of the kids. By all, I mean, my four and Alex's two. We were sitting around, waiting for a pizza to bake, and we heard music. The music that generates joy in children hearts, and fear deep into the bowels of parents.

The Ice Cream van.

Alex and I looked at each other in fear and he said "Uh-oh." At that moment, Morgan heard the music, and ran to the door with the others close behind. Since I had just gotten paid, and was in a great mood that day, I ordered Morgan to run after it. They saw her, and pulled over. When they saw the train of children pouring out of my house, their eyes turned to $$s. Just like on the cartoons. No really. (Ok fine, not really)

So we bought 8 things from them. and they drove away happy. It wasn't until later that Alex mentioned his observation while I was distracted by the ordering and the paying.

There was a playpen in the back of this van, behind the freezer. With a toddler in it.

The fuckers were driving around town with a toddler in a playpen in their van.

So I decided that would be the last time I patronized that particular ice cream van. (I urge those of you in C'ville not to either)

Unfortunately, they haven't gotten the hint. My house made their list of high sales areas. At least once a week they drive by, luring my children to the door, causing them to beg, and whine for ice cream. I have even seen this van drive to just past my house, and stop for a good minute or so just to make sure we knew they were there.

They kicked it up a notch today though.

They have driven by, not just once or twice, but 3 fucking times so far! 3!!!!

Take the freaking hint! I don't want your horrible parent germ tainted frozen novelties!

~Kel

(2010 Commentary)

They still drove by once a week at least this past summer, and I have still stuck to my plan of not buying ice cream from them. When I posted this the first time I did get some comments about how they were just trying to make a living, and maybe they had no other place for their child to go. But I still maintain that there was a safer option.