Saturday, November 22, 2008
1. Some parents will do anything to not have to deal with their kids for a few hours.
In the germ factory where I work, children get sent home sometimes. Fevers, diarrhea, and vomiting are typical reasons they leave. The rule is the child has to be well for 24 hours before they return. You wouldn't believe how often I'll send a child home at say 10:23am, only to have the child reappear the next day at 10:24am miraculously cured of all ills. (Of course they usually get sent home again when the Tylenol wears off)
2. A majority of my job is repeating the same things over and over.
Typical five minute period in Kelli's day (all names are fake, no real children are mentioned here cause I like my job thankyouverymuch)
"Time to clean up, class! David, put the markers away, it's clean up time! Stacy, put the blocks away! Jake turn off the computer and help pick up toys. David! I said put the markers up please. Stacy! We don't throw blocks at our friends! Jake! Computer off please! David, you need to stop coloring and clean up! Jake you need to stop playing the computer game! Stacy why did you just dump all the blocks out?!" This continues until I walk over and stop each child, and redirect them to the cleaning. Though this example contains three children rather than the 15-20 I deal with daily.
3. Sometimes children will intentionally blow or rub their snotty noses on you when they are mad at you.
This is the least fun part of my job.
4. You may think this doesn't need to be said, but omg does it ever. When sweet innocent Lisa walks up and says "Smell my hands Miss Kelli" DO NOT DO IT!
This doesn't really need clarification does it?
5. 3 and 4 year olds cannot stay in a straight line no matter how hard you try.
They are so easily distracted, it's not even funny.
6. My children are awesome.
Seriously, they are.
7. Kids DO say funny things!
One day while talking to a student, he described tripping and falling. To give him sympathy, I shared that I fall down a lot. His response? "Is that because you never learned to walk the right way?" I had to laugh and agree with him. Of course I can't remember half the things they say that make me laugh daily, but trust me they are great.
Even the nose blower. LOL
8. Kids eat strange crap.
Ranch dressing in chili. Ketchup on bread. Ketchup in applesauce. Bread dipped in milk. Turkey mixed with strawberries. Drop all your cookies in your milk, leave for 10 minutes then drink the slime. Salad with ranch and french dressing. Chicken sandwiches with BBQ, ketchup, mustard, and ranch.
9. I love my job.
It's not the job you think it is. It's not playing with toys and coloring all day. Mostly my job consists of trying to keep structure in chaos, while trying to help them learn. It's not a job you do to pay the bills. It's a job if you love children. Which I do.
That's all I have to say for now. I hope you all have a great day.
Thanks for reading!
I truly did love this job. It's been very hard for me to adjust to not having this job. It's still hard.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Hannah: Mommy who made me?
Me: Mommy and Daddy did.
Hannah: Who made Josh?
Me: Mommy and daddy.
This continues for a few minutes about everyone she knows, some of them twice.
Hannah: Mommy? How did you make me?
Me: (panic) Ummm... with love! (Here I crossed my fingers and hoped that was good enough for her)
Hannah: What did you make me with?
Me: What do you mean?
Hannah: What stuff did you make me with? How did you make me? Did you sew me?
Me: (giggling) No I didn't sew you!
I ended up giving her a basic explanation of how sometimes when mommies and daddies love each other a lot a daddy can plant a seed and a baby grows.
Tonight she was questioning me on why I had three babies when some of my friends just had one.
I wasn't sure how to explain that one. I told her that I was got very lucky and grew three babies instead of one.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
So, I think I may have just seen the best worst movie ever.
I'm about to ruin the movie Teeth, so if you have a desire to see it, don't read this shit. Kthxbai!
Ok so. There's this virgin chick. All about the virginity. Gives speeches to other kids about how awesome virginity is, won't even be alone with a boy out of fear he might look at her the wrong way and steal her virginity. So she meets this guy at one of her virgin rallies. The next day goes on a group date to see a g-movie. Later that night she almost twiddled herself. But then she freaked out because that's against the virgin rules apparently.
So the next day, she calls and dumps the guy. But then she freaks out over something and decides to call him and ask him to meet her at the sex cave in the woods. They make out for a bit, then she changes her mind. He jams it in anyway, screaming "It's ok, you'll still be pure in the eyes of the lord!" and "I haven't even masturbated since Easter."
So then, the best part.
Her vagina bites off his dick! Then spits it out! I expected this. I knew what I was getting into with this movie. But seriously. I almost died laughing.
So she goes home on her bike. Freaks out for a couple of days, and tries to google that shit. Then she goes to the gynecologist. Only, he's a pervy gyno who takes off his glove and fists her. Said he needed to check her flexibility. So the vagina bit off four of his fingers. She ran out while he was screaming about her vagina.
So anyway. She read on the googles, that a hero needed to conquer her vagina. So after a return to the cave with a hilarious thing I won't ruin, she goes and bangs a guy from school she thinks likes her. He gets her off and he gets to keep his cock, until the second round when he answer's his cell talking about how he won the bet and banged the big virgin, then her vagina got mad and he lost his wiener.
So then she goes on a penis eating mission and the movie ends with her giving a big toothy grin to a creepy old man.
So the movie was horrible, I expected that going in. But seriously there were so many metaphorical vaginas and cheesy ass jokes. It was like the director KNEW it was a shitty plot and thought he might as well have some fun with that. The acting was terrible.
I got many good laughs from this movie, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a serious horror film.
So I guess if you want to watch an unintentional comedy with bad acting, and lots of sex that ends very very badly, then you should go watch Teeth. Though, I don't recommend spending any money whatsoever to make that happen.
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
So this has been a week from hell. Just a bad bad week. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did, and spectacularly. I won't bore you to death by listing all the things that went wrong for me. No one likes to read a blog that's just bitching right? So, let me think of the good that happened this week and go from there.
I finally got the job I wanted. I started at Head Start as a Paid Aide on a temporary basis for a teacher's aide that was on leave. Then, when the other teacher's aide went on leave, they hired me as a temporary employee. I think this was because I was the only paid aide that showed up consistently. The only other reliable paid aide at the time was this great older woman who unfortunately couldn't work more than 2 or 3 days a week.
So last week sometime, the main office decided that one of the teacher's aides that were on leave wouldn't be coming back, so they hired me full time as of Monday. This is great news, because I am always so nervous when I don't have health insurance which I'll have December 1st.
I watched The Happening last night. I thought it was kinda lame. If you haven't watched it, and plan to, skip to the next paragraph. But I thought it was a whole lot of lame shit to sit through only to find out that plants are getting even with the people for not taking care of the planet. Personally, I think if you are going to make a movie about murderous plants, it should be over the top and cheese to let your audience know how stupid you know the idea is. I refer you to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and Little Shop of Horrors.
Right this moment as I type there are two little boys brushing my hair. I love moments like this. I have some of the sweetest children.
Last night was the first time Alex's kids got to stay with us, and it was so much fun. Adding two kids to the bedtime routine wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but yesterday was an unusual day, so we can't really count that as the standard. They might have been exhausted from Trick or Treating, or the 6 hour car trip they had that day. Tomorrow night we will know for sure, because they get to stay again.
I don't think I have much else to say. I hope that you didn't have a week from hell too.
Thanks for reading!